A few months back I did a dum dum. I was annoyed by a, now former, friend who was sending me messages through different channels because I wasn’t reacting fast enough to her bit of good news she received and that she could not wait to share. After telling her I was happy for her, I asked her to only contact me through one channel and worded this in a way that was offensive to her and totally upset her. In hindsight, yes, I could have done better and it did bother me.
I went by her place unannounced a few days later, but she wasn’t home (fair enough). So I called her later that same day. She had already deleted my contact details and therefore had no clue that it was me who was calling. Her reaction when she realised it was me, was so vile, it shocked me into silence and I completely forgot everything I wanted to say to her (namely apologize as I never meant to hurt her). I asked her what exactly I had done wrong, as she had said something during my being a dum dum that led me to believe later on that I may not be right about which of my words actually hurt her, but she refused to answer.
She refused to answer and got upset again and I fell silent and completely forgot to apologize and then she hung up on me. Which is her right. Everything, my dum dum and this exchange on the phone has bothered me immensely. On the one hand because I hurt someone with thoughtless words without any intention of hurting her, in an attempt to protect my own boundaries (I feel like people try to control me if they send multiple messages to get my attention without considering that I may be busy). On the other hand, why is it ok when she mucks up and not when I do so? It resulted in me feeling like I have to walk on eggshells, just to keep her happy, regardless of how I felt about it. So I have decided that yes, I need to somehow apologize, but that this friendship is not worth fixing. But first, I had to process the events myself and that took some time.
A few weeks ago, I decided that I would write her a card with an apology. As she is likely going to be upset, I also decided to send the card to her parents and included an apology letter to them as well as an explanation of why I am doing it this way. Today I have finally looked up her parents’ address and sent everything off to them. I do not know whether they will give her the card. Frankly, it doesn’t even matter as I feel that I have now done everything that I should do.
There are several things that could happen next:
– nothing at all (card and letter are tossed/read and ignored)
– she reaches out to me thinking we can still be friends
– she or one of her parents reaches out to me to verbally tan my hide
I’m hoping for the first, have no clue how to handle the second and the third would upset me and I’m hoping I can get myself to leave that “conversation” should it happen. Of course there may be scenarios that sit somewhere between the three I mentioned. I can only wait and see what happens.
In the mean time, I have done everything I feel I should do and as far as I’m concerned, this is now a closed chapter. And yes, I have forgiven myself for being a dum dum, because no one is perfect. I also know that if a friend, who I hold dear, somehow hurt me, I would be able to talk it out with them and, very likely, forgive them.